Shantyl's Story
Co Partner of EQUALITYRESPECT
Why I started EQUALITYRESPECT.
Dating can be one of the most exciting things in high school, but many teens are unaware of the warning signs in abusive relationships.
I am very passionate about the issue of teen dating violence because some of my closest friends have been in abusive relationships, one including my sister. Growing up, my parents always set a great example of how loved ones should treat one another. I never thought our family’s lifestyle could be shaken by anything, and that is why Teen Dating Violence has been such an influential part of who I am today. The experience that truly sparked my interest on this particular issue is an event that occurred. It was mid-winter, and my mom was driving my sister and I home from a counseling session. We were going to family counseling because my sister had been in an abusive relationship. I will never forget the fear that overwhelmed my body that day. As the blood rushed through me, my heart pounded faster than ever as I saw her ex-boyfriend, who had been stalking us, pull up to the red stop-light beside our car. He had a gun, and he was pointing it right at me. I screamed with fear to my mom and sister, but as they turned their heads, he put the gun down. Two times this happened, and my sister shouted to me, “He would never do that!” The third time, my mom and sister finally looked to see him holding the gun and laughing at us. My mom sped through the red-light, and we immediately called the police. The police went to his house, and paid us a call. The gun we were so fearful of, the police found to be “fake,” but the scars he left on our family will be remembered forever.
After watching my sister hit rock bottom, we placed a no-contact order on her ex-boyfriend. My sister took her high school classes in a confined room for an entire month. I walked my older sister into school every day because she felt like the “world” hated her. She had no confidence to go in public. From this experience, I saw firsthand why many people remain in abusive relationships: A person loves the abuser for who he or she is in the beginning of the relationship, and she or he holds on to every fond memory before the abuse takes its toll. After the abuse starts, there is a sense of hopelessness that a person will not find someone better and more respectful; there is a sense of embarrassment and shame in not wanting others to know what truly is going on in the relationship. There are several more reasons, but these are the ones which appear most prominent, at least in the situation our family dealt with. After it ended, I constantly asked my sister why she stayed in the relationship. She usually said something like, “In the beginning, everything was perfect. He built me up. He made me feel like I was perfect. Later on, I realized that he only built me up to break me down. Once, he isolated me from my friends, and once he knew he had control of my life, he destroyed me. I felt worthless. I felt alone. I felt sad, and most of all I felt like I was behaving in a ways that were hurting everyone I loved. Yet, I felt like he was all I had, so I stayed with him. It was comfortable to stay in the relationship. I was used to it. I had been with him for two years, and I knew that letting go would be harder than staying with him. I knew that he would not make it easy to leave.” If a boyfriend or girlfriend has had a history of “bad” relationships or abusive behavior, one should take that into account before engaging in a relationship with that person. It is so important to break the cycle of abuse by advocating and educating others about the warning signs of abusive behavior and providing the resources to those who need it. Abuse can happen to anyone from any background, and the only way to help prevent this abuse is to become aware of what risky behaviors may look like. No one deserves to go through what my sister went through. No family deserves to be torn. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and love. I hope that by advocating and educating others about what a healthy relationship entails people will become more aware and concerned about the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
-Shantyl Betty
